A Convenient Crisis 
By Peter Behr

Hardly a day goes by without hearing about another crisis supposedly related to global warming. Children are going home from school, where they have seen Al Gore’s epic "An Inconvenient Truth," and asking their parents if they will die before reaching high school age. Thus, our politicians, having spotted a good thing for themselves are scaring their constituents into a state of silliness. Only in America.

Don’t get me wrong. All of us should be environmentalists. Protect our land, air, water and natural resources. Basic environmentalism is only common sense. But when the politicians get hold of it, they exploit it to add an unnecessary fear factor, instead of suggesting common sense solutions. Politicians love crisis, so global warming suits them fine. There is no crisis, but this does not deter them. Blame every heat wave, flood, hurricane, typhoon, or any other natural disaster on "global warming."

For the record, we have been experiencing heat waves, drought, flooding - every sort of natural disaster, ever since man has been able to communicate and record them. This does not mean that global warming is not a concern - something we should pay attention to. But there is absolutely no reason to panic. People say "We have to do something." Okay, let’s reduce our consumption of fossil fuels. I mean really reduce our consumption. Keep gas prices high. Put a surcharge on gas guzzlers. Otherwise, people will keep buying huge SUVs and pick-ups with crew cabs and 350 horsepower engines. You can’t tell me people need these vehicles.

You can’t tell me people need to keep their homes at 75 degrees in winter either. Look at the savings achieved by keeping the thermostat set at 65 (and wearing a sweater). In Europe and Japan, where energy has always been expensive, consumption is way below ours. We have gotten into very bad habits with our low-priced energy. In Europe, most people don’t have air-conditioning, and the heat isn’t turned on until late October. So there’s an early cold wave, and your apartment is freezing? Tough - put on a sweater, and wait for the heat to come on. There are far fewer lawyers in Europe, so landlords are not sued, and the environment benefits!

One of the "solutions" to global warming, which results from our excesses, like limousines, private jets and large houses with big energy requirements, is the carbon offset scam. It’s simple - if you despoil the planet with your lifestyle of jetting around and generally using a lot of BTUs, you can purchase "carbon offsets" from one of the new companies springing up to help people with extravagant energy tastes feel good about themselves. If you feel bad about jetting around the planet, buy some carbon offsets from companies that promise they are reducing pollution here and there, to offset your excesses. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with trying to make a buck from the silliness that Al Gore and his ilk are spreading.

In fact, I have an idea which will bring big bucks to Vermont, and, of course, help save our planet. Vermont is largely forested, and trees are absorbers of carbon dioxide. Thus, we are living in a "carbon offset" Valhalla. I happen to have a few acres of forest. There are about 200 mature trees to an acre, or if you have acreage which has been logged, maybe 600 young trees per acre on land in the process of regeneration - reestablishing itself as forest.

All you city dwellers who are busy making negative contributions to global warming - not your fault, of course - you’re just a victim of our lifestyle - but here’s a chance for you to get rid of your guilt complex. Rent a few trees from registered carbon-offset tree farmers and voila! - your guilt complex disappears and you contribute to Vermont’s financial well being.

I’m sure that an environmental savant has already calculated a tree-rental rate, but here’s an example. Rent 100 mature trees per year for $100 (young trees will be discounted). By keeping these trees busy absorbing carbon dioxide, you will help to stabilize the climate and reduce the threat of all these natural disasters we hear about. Vermont will get a lot of new (taxable-good!) income. Certificates will be issued to tree-renters signifying that they are contributing to the well-being of all humanity. For a small extra charge the certificates will be magnetized, so they can be affixed to refrigerators, reminding tree-renters every day of their munificence. As Garrison Keillor says, be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Pete Behr writes a regular column for the Vermont Standard